This is one of the most common questions relationship therapists receive. And it makes sense – many of us want to know if the investment is worth it.

As simple as this question sounds, there are many factors that impact the outcomes of relationship counseling. Let’s take a look at a few things that influence how it may work for you.

Most people don’t seek relationship counselling until they’re really suffering and in crisis mode: betrayal, resentment, one person wants out, or major life transitions that are disruptive and overwhelming.

While being in crisis isn’t a deal breaker, it does make things more challenging and complicated. There’s a big difference between trying to learn a new skill like painting when you are in a good place mentally, have loads of time to explore, and mistakes don’t come with high stakes versus trying to learn how to paint after you’ve been hired to paint a huge mural in a very short period of time.

Therapists are trained to support relationships of all kinds, however if you can, seek counseling when things are good, when things are great, when things are mediocre or just slightly off.

It will make the long-term impact far more helpful and effective so that crises are far less likely down the road.

Noted relationship therapist, Toni Herbine-Blank, says, “We help couples to speak and listen differently so they can have the conversations they haven’t been able to have.”

Most people come to couples counselling to solve a problem – it might be money, parenting, a betrayal, sex, or divorce, but most come with a specific problem in mind. However, the problem often is a symptom of a deeper pattern of relating. Unless you really tend to that deeper pattern, the problems will return.

Because effective relationship counselling is ultimately about relating differently, it means that you, the clients, need to be willing to do the work in showing up differently (but you don’t have to do it alone).

It’s not they-said, I-said. It’s not choosing sides. It’s not being the one who is right. All of those tit-for-tat binaries are part of a larger relational issue.

A skilled therapist can help so that identifying your relational patterns feel a lot less scary and shameful. And they can help you learn how to relate in new, more connected ways without feeling like you’re doing it wrong. Scary conversations will still feel scary, but you’ll feel far more skilled at handling them well.

All that said, the actual changes are up to you and what you put into the process.

As much as us therapists might wish we had the power of time travel, that is not yet in our skillset. We cannot turn the clocks back. We cannot undo what was done, unsay what was said, or take you back to a time when things felt easier or more simple.

The fiction of going back is seductive. Most of us have that fantasy from time to time, and it makes sense. It’s a lot easier to look back and wish for what was than to move towards an unknown future.

If what you want out of relationship therapy is the impossible, you’re going to be disappointed.

But, if you’re open to moving towards a new future that is more skillful, more connected, and has more nourishing possibilities, then couples counselling can potentially offer you support in making that happen.

Famed relationship therapist, Esther Perel, often says about affairs, “Sometimes the relationship that comes out is stronger, and more honest and deeper than the one that existed before because people finally step up.”

Again, it’s not about going back or regressing. It is instead an opportunity to step up and see if a stronger, more honest relationship becomes possible in the future.

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Will couples counseling work for you? Maybe. If you find a skilled therapist, if you have reasonable expectations, if you are willing to put in the work and give it the time it needs to become something potent and transformative, there’s a very good chance that something important will result from the therapy.