Most of us have experience with an inner critic. I know I do. Our inner critic is that part of us which notices all and has an opinion on how we could have done things better.

When we struggle or make a mistake, or even when we succeed and have a win, our inner critic can turn anything into potential ammunition, chipping away at our self-worth, self-trust, and peace of mind.

Some people have an inner critic that focuses on one aspect of their life like their weight or their relationship; others have a relentless inner critic that weighs in on nearly every waking moment – constantly vigilant.

Most of us try to deal with our inner critic by talking back, arguing with it, ignoring it, or trying to reason with it. Those strategies rarely work and often make things worse.

So, what can we do about it?

The good news is our inner critic is just one part of who we are, and it IS possible to work WITH our inner critic so that we find some relief.

Our inner critic is not all that we are and it is not the truth of who we are – it is simply one part of a much more complex whole. Recognizing your inner critic as one small part of you, rather than the whole truth of you, creates a powerful opening for responding with curiosity and compassion.

Based on the Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy model, your inner critic emerges as an overprotective part that believes the best way to keep you safe is through harsh demand, derision, and control. Often our inner critic mimics a parent, teacher, older sibling, or coach – someone in our life who tried to motivate us through similar means.

True self-motivation and care cannot take root under such inner tyranny. Shame and guilt are not effective inner motivators, especially not over the long term.

Thankfully, you can lovingly disentangle from the inner critic’s harmful trance (it helps to have the support of a skilled therapist). You can cultivate an inner dialog grounded in self-compassion. This invites the inner critic to transition from a vicious enemy to a valued part whose positive intent we appreciate.

So what can we do to change how we experience our inner critic?

The first step is practicing and developing an open, compassionate, witnessing presence — your centered, non-reactive, wise Self. Connecting into your Self is often how you feel when you are fed, rested, supported, grounded, and able to respond rather than react.

Some people can easily access this wise, grounded Self that is open, curious, compassionate, calm, and creative. Other people struggle to access this kind of presence. This is where a skilled therapist can stand in as that compassionate witness while supporting you in cultivating that for yourself.

From this inner calmness, you can begin to get curious about your inner critic’s job. This curious witness creates a bit of separation, or unblending (a phrase coined by Richard Schwartz, founder of Internal Family Systems therapy) from your inner critic. It’s a way to see that you and your inner critic are not one and the same. This invites you into relationship with your inner critic.

When you notice your inner critic arise, it can be helpful to pause and turn towards that critical voice by asking what it’s hoping for by offering you that critique and what it’s afraid will happen if it does not do its job.

Often our inner critic is working really hard to try and avoid further hurt. While the impact is painful, the intention of your inner critic is nearly always that of trying to protect you against ridicule, rejection, loss, or something else that hurts.

Using the IFS approach, you can start developing an inner dialogue that engages the inner critic from a less reactive, more compassionate position that honors the intent of that part:

“Inner critic, I see you working so hard on my behalf. I know that you want to keep me safe or help me set better boundaries. What is it you really need to hear right now that would help you to feel understood and supported?”

Rather than battling the inner critic, when you compassionately acknowledge the good intentions underlying its aggressive antics and get curious about what it needs, you begin to build a relationship with this part of you that can begin to shift its impact and methods.

Richard Schwartz’s “No Bad Parts” book offers us an insight into how vital all of our parts are – even the ones we wish weren’t there.

Our inner critic is working really hard on our behalf. It sees its job as vital and that part of you can get even harsher if it’s worried you’re trying to make it go away. The goal is not about ridding ourselves of our inner critic. Instead, it’s about building a relationship of trust with that part of ourselves, and learning to understand the fears and hopes of that part so that we can begin supporting the part to protect us in ways that are more compassionate and conducive to actual safety and wellbeing.

With patience and consistency, when you can begin meeting the critic’s needs for safety, acknowledgment, and value, trust gradually builds. In turn, this part relaxes its grip, and a collaborative relationship begins to grow.

Developing this relationship with the inner critic helps it transform from a feared inner enemy to an appreciated part of your wholeness. Its preoccupation with harshly enforcing perfection shifts to gently nurturing self-actualization. And your power of choice expands over being dominated by negative thoughts.

The key to untangling the inner critic’s toxic shame spirals doesn’t lie in waging war against it.

Our various parts contain positive intentions, and we must respect those, even when their strategies for meeting needs prove misguided.

This work is best done with a trained, skilled counselor as there are many aspects of our inner world that can prove difficult to sit with on our own. However, you can begin this journey of cultivating understanding for why these hurt parts adopted their harsh tactics. As we extend radical self-acceptance, parts learn they can soften their controlling, hyper-vigilant grips.

Developing self-compassion, mindfulness, and open-hearted curiosity allows all our inner parts — critics included — to ease up on the intensity, but to feel appreciated, healed, and supported. When we transform adversarial stances into collaborative cooperation guided by Self-leadership, new possibilities emerge.

When you have a more trusting, compassionate relationship with your inner critic (and other parts), even when it panics and resorts to old strategies, you can more easily pause, breathe, and turn towards that part of you to find better ways forward. The criticizing part too can settle into its rightful place as a treasured facet of your wholeness — no longer banished.

If you would like support in exploring the parts of you that feel alone, ashamed, ignored, or that act out in ways that make your life more difficult, contact us.