If you and your partner seem stuck in an endless loop of the same fights, take heart—you’re not alone. (Marriage counseling was searched over 70,000 times last month alone!)

In fact, relationship researcher John Gottman found that 69% of conflicts in long term relationships are unresolvable. It’s no wonder many couples find themselves trapped in destructive conflict cycles they don’t know how to escape; it’s often because they think they can solve or “fix” unresolvable problems and don’t have the tools to navigate its inevitable return.

The good news is couples therapy can support you in changing negative patterns, repairing with more skill, and relating with long-term struggles in ways that foster connection rather than resentment.

In this post, we will explore three common cycles that can negatively impact your relationship to help you understand more about these dynamics and how counseling can help you relate differently.

Most of us know this one – it plays out often in families, friendships, and romantic partnerships.

One person raises a concern using language that communicates a criticism. Something like “you aren’t listening to me” or “you’re always running late” or “do I need to ask you again?” and the other person jumps to defend themselves. What follows is typically an escalating back and forth.

Over time, this cycle typically morphs from small grievances into character attacks as frustration mounts. People get locked into criticizing (because they have unmet needs) and defensiveness (because they feel attacked). This dynamic breeds resentment on both sides.

Empathic communication can help interrupt this cycle. When people learn how to share their feelings and needs instead of accusations or passive-aggressive barbs, it can help reduce defensiveness and facilitate connection.

Another common pattern is one partner unleashes blame during conflict while the other withdraws.

Blame often disguises fear and vulnerability about relationship issues like intimacy or trust. But bombarding a partner fuels shame and withdrawal. Stonewalling and avoiding, in turn, trigger anxiety and anger in the blamer. Both feel unheard and disregarded, fanning the flames.

When this cycle is familiar in a relationship, it helps to learn the bodily signals that you’re feeling overwhelmed so that both of you can take a break and slow things down. Partners can then re-engage in a more grounded discussion. Counseling can support each person in learning how to witness each other’s underlying fears and concerns as a way to build understanding and emotional safety.

Relationship therapist and researcher, Sue Johnson, teaches that over 84% of romantic couples play out some version of the pursue-withdraw cycle. In other words, it’s common and not a sign that you’re bad, wrong, or broken.

In this common cycle, one partner feels anxious about a loss of connection (real or perceived) and demands connection to try and ease their anxiety. This can sound like “why won’t you open up?” or “I need you to talk to me right now” or reading silence as a problem or threat. Simultaneously, the withdrawing partner begins shutting down, often because they feel attacked, pushed, ashamed, or worried of getting it wrong. Their withdrawal fuels the partner’s panic, which escalates the cycle. Sadly, the pursuing behavior ends up pushing their partner further away while the withdrawal feeds the need to reach out.

In counseling, partners learn to balance closeness and autonomy through better communication of needs and learning how to regulate and self-soothe. This is such a common cycle that therapists often have multiple ways of supporting couples around this dynamic.

While entrenched conflict patterns can feel impossible to overcome, they are indeed treatable through couples counselling. Importantly, many people come to relationship counseling believing the other person is the problem. They often believe if the therapist could just “fix” their partner, then things would be better.

The truth is each person in the relationship is contributing to the dynamics that are playing out. Relational problems require relational solutions. This does mean both/all parties will need to do their own work – including self-reflection, practicing new skills, and trying new things – all of which can be uncomfortable. If, however, each person is willing to enter into the process fully, a stronger, more resilient and nourishing relationship can be possible.

Here are some of things a couples counsellor may invite into the work:

• – Psychoeducation – Teaching partners about common destructive cycles so they can recognize and catch theirs before it intensifies. Self-awareness (and self curiosity) is a crucial step.
• – Communication skills training – Equipping partners with healthy conflict resolution tactics focused on positive language, active listening, emotion identification, and validation.
• – Cognitive restructuring – Helping couples reframe negative attitudes toward each other and the relationship so they interpret situations in a more constructive light.
• – Emotion regulation techniques – Training partners to self-soothe and calm themselves and each other when flooded so they can stay engaged in hard discussions.
• – Intimacy building exercises – Guiding partners through activities that rebuild affection, trust, respect, playfulness, and appreciation in the relationship.
• – Exploring underlying issues – Getting to the root of conflicts by examining each person’s core needs, wounds, insecurities, and yearnings so they feel safe and understood.
• – Relapse prevention – Monitoring for signs of old patterns returning and having plans to consciously interrupt them before backsliding.

Interrupting cycles takes time, self-work, courage, and perseverance. Often the groundwork for these cycles started in childhood and with a person’s parents, so individual counselling may also be important.

Embracing the discomfort of change leads to authentic understanding and lasting intimacy. With new relating skills and vulnerability, you can create a relationship where you can work through challenges as a team.

If you see your own dynamics mirrored in the cycles above, take it as a sign to seek therapy together. An experienced couples counselor provides structure, insight, and tools to transform even entrenched patterns. There is hope for any relationship open to growth and renewal. You deserve to communicate with compassion, not contempt. And therapy can help you build the healthy relationship you both long for, one day at a time.

Reach out today.