You’ve realized your relationship could use some support and you want to try marriage counseling or relationship therapy… but your partner isn’t so sure. Maybe they deny problems exist, insist you can work things out solo, or simply refuse to see a counselor. This impasse likely leaves you feeling frustrated and hopeless.

So what can you do? Here are a few tips that may support you and your partner in seeking couples counseling.

It’s important to bring curiosity to why your partner may be resistant to therapy. Not so you can use that information to trick them into it, but in order to offer compassion and understanding around something that might feel incredibly scary or confronting.

Common reasons someone might avoid or resist couples counselling include:

Stigma about therapy – Many people mistakenly believe relationship counseling is for failing relationships, a last ditch effort before the relationship comes crashing down. If someone believes counselling is only something you do right before a break-up, it makes sense that they’d want to avoid or delay seeking help as long as possible.

They may also believe mental health is only for people who are “crazy” or unwell or weak. This is especially true for men who believe asking for help is a sign of weakness or vulnerability, when in reality it takes great strength and courage to ask for help and to receive it.

Discomfort being vulnerable – It can be scary to open up to a stranger about problems and feelings. But, it can be downright terrifying to get vulnerable with your partner – the person who can wound you the deepest if given the chance. Vulnerability is part of relationship therapy, however a good therapist will help foster a strong container of safety, moving slowly and building trust before heading into more tender places.

Fear they’ll be ganged up on – One-on-one feels very different than two-on-one in a disagreement, so if someone is worried their therapist will take sides, it makes sense they’d be wary about entering into that space. A skilled couples therapist will not take sides, but will instead support each person in the relationship to explore their own feelings, values, needs, and experiences and how to communicate that skillfully. A really skilled couples therapist will also compassionately hold each party accountable and point out ways systemic harm is creeping into the dynamic.

Lack of urgency – Whether it’s a self-protective strategy to deny the problems in a relationship or true ignorance, it’s possible your partner does not think your problems are a big deal, or they may hope your problems will go away if they ignore them long enough. Unfortunately, avoidance almost always leads to disconnection, rupture, and worsening issues.

Feeling blamed or attacked – If someone has a deep belief that they are inherently unworthy, unlovable, bad, broken, or they carry relational trauma, any perceived criticism may feel unbearably painful. As if it’s confirmation of their worst fears. Couples counselling will invite exploration of tender territory, however blame and criticism are typically intercepted immediately if they start to come out in session. Part of a counselor’s job is interrupting unhealthy behaviors and patterns, which can help create more safety – something that’s hard to do on your own without a trained 3rd party present.

Ignorance about therapy – If someone has never been to therapy or they’ve only seen exaggerated and fictional accounts on TV or in movies, that lack of understanding might create resistance. Which makes sense because most couples counselling and individual therapy in pop culture are horribly written, even downright unethical.

Logistics – Someone may be resistant to counselling because they’re worried about the financial cost, time and energy cost, or accessibility. Most therapists are willing to work with your schedule to ensure therapy fits your life. Insurance may help cover the cost. It also helps to consider the short-term investment over the long-term costs of a relationship that slowly erodes and possibly ends as a result.

Or, your partner may have reasons beyond what is covered here. Get curious!

Many negative assumptions about counseling stem from lack of information. It can help to share that:

• – Therapy helps normal couples strengthen healthy relationships, not just to “save” failing ones. Think of it as routine maintenance rather than a last ditch fix (or to use a dental analogy – regular teeth cleanings and small procedures versus major surgery and prolonged damage).
• – It’s about learning how to speak and listen differently so you can have the conversations you need to have for a healthy, strong, secure relationship. It’s not about airing “dirty laundry” or right-vs-wrong.
• – An ethical counselor won’t take sides or assign blame (but they may point out unhelpful patterns, behaviors, and beliefs that impact how you relate).
• – Sessions involve slowing WAY down, building self-compassion, learning and practicing new skills, and facilitating courageous conversations—not venting, arguing or complaining.
• – Most people report therapy positively transforms their relationships, not just their romantic relationship but all of the relationships in their life.

Remind your partner that you both want your relationship to thrive. Stress that couples counseling teaches positive communication and conflict resolution skills to prevent future problems. It’s about shaping the relationship you both want.

Acknowledge their hesitation, but emphasize therapy is an investment in the relationship. One hour a week is minor compared to a lifetime together. Reframe counseling as self-improvement for the sake of your shared happiness—not an admission of failure.

Don’t focus solely on how therapy will help you. Let your partern know that through this process they will likely also:

• – Feel truly heard and understood
• – Experience less arguing and big ups and downs
• – Gain tools to work through anger/frustration
• – Get stronger connection and intimacy
• – Improve their ability to share their feelings and to know what to do when you share yours
• – Learn healthier ways to resolve disagreements
• – Experience deeper trust and respect

This may motivate them to participate for their own fulfillment, too.

Who you choose as your counsellor can be a huge factor in whether therapy succeeds. Be sure to do your homework to find someone you both feel comfortable with. Look for:

• – Expertise with your relationship issues
• – Warm, non-judgmental style
• – Balanced approach to gender dynamics
• – Hours that work for your life
• – Convenient location or easy-to-access virtual option

Many counselors offer free 15-30 minute consultations to get acquainted. Meeting them might ease your partner’s anxieties. It’s a great time to share any concerns or fears so that the therapist can address them up front.

Rome wasn’t built in a day. Your partner may need some time to digest the idea of counseling and move through their feelings.

Allow time and space before revisiting the topic.

But also set boundaries around how long you’re willing to wait for them to come around. If they continue resisting for months without budging, that reveals deeper issues a therapist could help unravel.

In the end, you can’t force your partner to commit to counseling if they remain adamantly against it. As much as you want to improve things, you have to accept their choice. However, you always have the option of solo counseling to gain clarity and tools for relating healthier—even if your partner won’t participate.

Continue leading by positive example but also realize you deserve support. Seek individual counseling if they remain unwilling to work on the relationship. Prioritize your self-care and growth. When one half improves, it raises the bar for the relationship.

With commitment to better communication and radical self-honesty, there is hope for transforming even the most reluctant heart.

In many relationships (often those that tend to uphold “traditional” gender norms), one person often benefits from the emotional and domestic labor of their partner.

This can look like one person in the relationship managing most of the cooking, cleaning, shopping, emotional needs, family needs, social calendar, and health of everyone in the relationship/family. The person benefiting from that labor often also feels entitled to that labor and entitled to their partner’s body for sexual intimacy. In relationships like this, often the person who is managing all of the emotional intimacy and domestic labor experiences less sexual desire (which is problematized, despite being very normal).

The partner who benefits from all of the other person’s labor is typically the one who is reluctant to seek outside help. This can be because some part of them knows they are benefiting and there’s a chance that introducing a 3rd party may disrupt these norms.

But disrupting these norms is often crucial in order for a relationship to truly blossom into something healthy and sustainable for all parties. If you suspect this is happening in your relationship, you may benefit from individual counselling as you explore ways to take up more space, set boundaries, and bring more equity and fairness into the relationship.