If you’re reading this, you may be wondering when it’s time to seek couples counseling. Most relationship counsellors will tell you that people typically wait far too long to seek support – in fact, entering couples counselling when things are GOOD is the best time. That said, most people don’t do that.

The good news is all relationships hit rough patches. It’s simply part of what relationship means. However, there are some key signs that indicate a relationship could use some external support.

In this post, we’ll walk through the 7 most common red flags that signal it’s time for relationship therapy. Addressing these issues with a trained therapist can not only improve your intimate relationship, but all the relationships in your life.

If you’re relating with another human being on a regular basis, arguments and conflict are inevitable. However, the frequency, intensity, and duration of arguments offers insight into the health of a relationship. If disagreements are happening multiple times a week—or even daily—it’s a sign that deeper needs are not being met. Likewise, if arguments last for hours or even days, it can suggest an inability to communicate effectively or to engage in repair.

You might feel trapped in an endless cycle of fighting, like you’re walking on eggshells to avoid setting your partner off. Repeated clashes often indicate unresolved conflicts and pent-up resentments. This dynamic leads to emotional distance and erodes intimacy over time.

If you feel like you keep bumping into conflict or problems again and again, a therapist can equip you with ways to navigate differences as a team.

Stonewalling—shutting down emotionally or refusing to engage—represents another unhealthy conflict pattern. One partner may storm off, give the silent treatment, or completely check out. This “fight or flight” response stems from feeling overwhelmed during heated exchanges.

Intentionally stopping things from escalating so that you can collect yourself and engage in a more grounded dialog is one thing. But withdrawing prevents issues from getting resolved and can lead one (or both) of you to feel abandoned in a time of great need. Withdrawing or shutting down can lead to frustration and resentment in the partner trying to discuss problems. Over time, it can also lead to loneliness and detachment.

Couples counselling provides tools for staying engaged during tough talks. You’ll learn how to express yourselves calmly, listen actively, validate each other’s perspectives, and reach compromises. This facilitates open communication and deeper understanding between partners.

Secrecy erodes trust, a foundational pillar of healthy relationships. Partners who hide certain behaviors or life details from each other are usually afraid of judgment, rejection, or abandonment. This can indicate a lack of emotional safety in the relationship or a high sense of internal shame.

Infidelity, hidden finances, addictions, and health issues are common secrets that can lead to significant ruptures in the relationship. These walls prevent true intimacy, fuel insecurity, and breed suspicion.

Counseling creates space to address the fears driving secrecy. Partners can air grievances and betrayals in a contained setting and start rebuilding trust. Therapists also equip couples with tools and practices that restore closeness.

Relationships should make you feel secure, respected, and supported—not judged, put down, erased, or manipulated. Sadly, unhealthy power dynamics where one partner exerts control are common. Some signs include:

• – Excessive criticism about personality, abilities, looks, background, etc.
• – Expectation of access/entitlement to your body and/or your emotional & physical labor
• – Yelling, insulting, swearing, or name-calling during arguments
• – Gaslighting and denying legitimate concerns
• – Trying to dictate friendships, interests, time spent apart
• – Financial control or economic abuse
• – Threats to punish or leave if demands aren’t met

Unequal power breeds fear and resentment rather than fondness. Counselling can reveal the roots of these behaviors (oftentimes early childhood wounds) and support each person in learning how to relate in healthier ways.

(Please note that relationships where active abuse is happening may need to be referred to a specialist as therapy can easily provide more tools to the abuser.)

Intimacy is the lifeblood of a strong partnership. Emotional intimacy means mutual caretaking, affection, and closeness. Sexual intimacy encompasses desire, passion, and exploration (it is so much more than “sex”).

But these important forms of connection often suffer when romance dwindles. Partners no longer engage in thoughtful gestures, deep conversation, or physical intimacy. There’s little time set aside for nurturing the relationship. Interactions become perfunctory and relationship maintenance falls off.

If you’re living parallel lives like roommates, it’s time to reignite the spark. Counseling reminds partners why they fell in love and helps with exploring ways to invite greater curiosity, play, passion, and connection.

Please note: Mismatched desire/libido is common in nearly all sexual relationships. It is normal. At Tend and Cultivate Counselling, we do not see the person with the lower desire as broken or in need of fixing. This is not one person’s problem, but rather an opportunity for the relationship to consider new ways forward.

Are thoughts like “I’m just not happy anymore” or “This person isn’t right for me” creeping in? Do you find yourself daydreaming about separation or divorce? These reflections signal serious relationship dissatisfaction.

But ending a marriage or long-term partnership isn’t a step to take lightly. Before throwing in the towel altogether, it can be helpful to see if counselling can revive the relationship. Identifying core issues, reconnecting emotionally, and learning healthier relating skills often get relationships back on track.

That said, if one partner is truly done, therapists help couples grieving the end of a relationship process the loss mindfully and part on decent terms. Couples therapy is not about forcing one person to stay or keeping the relationship together no matter what. Instead couples counselling is about supporting a healthy relationship and for some, the healthiest thing to do is to end the relationship.

Individual well-being and relationship health go hand in hand. When one partner is immersed in struggles like addiction, depression, trauma, chronic illness, or career woes, it often destabilizes the relationship. The preoccupied partner becomes withdrawn and irritable. The other tries compensating and over-functioning until they burn out.

Counseling can be helpful for gaining coping skills, outside support, and learning tools to prevent individual problems from eroding the partnership. Partners learn to be empathic allies rather than adversarial. And the relationship becomes a source of strength, not stress, during difficult times.

If you see your relationship reflected in any of the scenarios above, we encourage you to seek counselling promptly. Getting support early on gives couples the best chance of finding their footing again. Allowing issues to compound over months or years makes it exponentially harder to heal.

But what if one of you is reluctant to try therapy?

Stress that counselling equips you to communicate in healthier ways as a team, to build and strengthen you as individuals and as a relationship. Remind them it’s an investment in your shared happiness and future together. Offer to research therapists and book the first appointment.

During the initial consultation, give the therapist the floor to explain their approach and credentials. This reassures hesitant partners they’re in capable hands. An effective counselor provides perspective, fosters insight, teaches new skills, and motivates couples to invest in change. Many stubborn relationship problems melt away in the simple act of airing them to an understanding professional.

And remember – the issues you think need addressing may not be the crux of the work. Many people are surprised to find that what they think are the main issues are masking deeper needs that must be tended to in order for things to change over the long term. Do your best to bring a sense of curiosity to the counselling space.

If your gut says “something is off” in your relationship, listen to it. Don’t ignore cracks in the foundation hoping they’ll repair themselves. Take initiative and contact a therapist today. With commitment and hard work, counselling can transform unhealthy relationship patterns into profound connection. You deserve to feel secure, understood, and fully supported on the journey ahead.